Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
