This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
