Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
