he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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