good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
