I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
