6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
