Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
