she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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