i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
