I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
