He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
