True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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