I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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