i think my mom watched the whole time
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
