I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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