Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
