i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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