Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
