The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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