i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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