new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
