So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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