Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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