Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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