how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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