Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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