Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
