Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
