My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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