It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just want to make out with him forever
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
