I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
