I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
