you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
nutella sex= disaster
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
