the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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