You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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