I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
