My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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