Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
