i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
two words: eviction party
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
