Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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