Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
