I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
