Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
