if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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