you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
