matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
