I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
