dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize