I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
