I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
