i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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