remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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