Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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