I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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