The best revenge is premature balding
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
