I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
