I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I checked into jail on foursquare
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize