she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
